South African technology publications need to start focusing on more attainable forms of technology, writes Deep Fried Man.

Each month TechSmart, a South African technology magazine, brings you the latest tech developments, innovations and gadgets. This is a strange thing for a South African magazine to do, as most of these amazing tech gizmos run on a cutting edge form of technology that South Africans have no access to – electricity.

I realise that what all tech publications are supposed to do is highlight the technological advances that move us towards the future. This technique is not suitable to our country, though, where we have a more retro approach to technology and, like the Amish, our government-run energy parastatal Eskom believes that electricity is wicked and that we should learn to live without it.

Really, what we need to do is focus on the kind of tech gadgets that do not presumptuously assume that its users have access to a working power supply. I therefore present to you, a list of some gadgets that are going to be playing an important role in the lives of South Africans for the next few years, or, if Eskom’s level of competency is anything to go by, forever.

1)   Generators

A generator allows you to be the envy of your block during load shedding. With the right generator, you can even run every appliance you own and blast your music as loudly as possible to induce extra jealousy (the best type of music to blast? Power ballads, of course). As if that’s not enough, generators come free with a loud, constant whirring noise as well as diesel fumes that can provide you with a long lasting and legal high strong enough to allow you to forget you live in a country with no electricity. In South Africa, generators are the future. Good luck finding one, though - demand seriously outweighs supply at the moment.

2)   Board Games

I know what you’re thinking. Board games simply cannot be considered tech devices. But since power cuts make modern gaming difficult, gaming companies sensitive to the plight of South Africans should start releasing board game versions of their biggest titles. That way, when the new Grand Theft Auto or Call of Duty is released worldwide on PC, PlayStation and X-Box, young South Africans don’t need to feel left out – they can simply go buy the cardboard version.
  

3)   Battery operated sex toys

Sex is one of the few entertaining ways of passing the time that does not require electricity at all, unless you happen to be a fan of ‘erotic electro-stimulation’, a practice that is not particularly popular in South Africa for obvious reasons (Google it). For most of us, all that is needed for a good session of sex is at least one willing partner. But why not spice things up with a vibrator? This will open up a range of fascinating possibilities in the bedroom and more importantly, they’re battery operated. 

These are just a few suggestions for tech devices that you can use when ‘I Got The Power’ is nothing but a song by Snap (see below). Until next time, stay positive, and let’s keep moving South Africa forward towards the 21st century. Here’s hoping we get there soon. In the meanwhile, remember that, as the saying goes, it’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Article first published in TechSmart 136, January 2015, available to read here.