As above, so below. TechSmart’s astrologer, Merlin Mendacium, predicts the month ahead.

Gemini

Annoying, bossy, know-it-all. Do you see yourself in this description Gemini? Of course you don’t, instead please feel free this birthday month of yours to continue acting in this manner.

Cancer

In Close Encounters of a Third Kind, Richard Dreyfuss’s character is strangely attracted to a mountain. You Cancerian is strangely attracted to the Voortrekker Monument. Why? Capital Craft beer festival come 14 June. Be there.

Leo

A recent study found less gray matter in the brains of men who watched large amounts of porn. The fact that you need to tighten your cap’s strap every time you put it on might point to something, does it not Mr. Leo?

Virgo

You’ve only recently bought a flying drone, only to hear about the ban of all drones with cameras by the Civil Aviation Authority. Serves you right for using it to spy on your neighbours.

Libra

With Jupiter entering Gemini, it is becoming imperative to invest in a retro gaming console this month Libran. May we recommend the awesome Atari 2600?

Scorpio

Dr Dre, Dr Seuss, Dr Phil. Not one of them is a real physician. It shows that sometimes, thinking a bit more of yourself can pay off. So how about doing that this month, Dr Scorpio?

Sagittarius

Born under the ninth sign Jupiter, it is said that all Sagittari have an affinity to sandalwood, yellow sapphire and Pauly Shore movies. And that’s why none of your friends are joining your marathon movie weekends. 

Capricorn

“Don’t you want me baby?,” The Human League famously asked. This month the answer is unfortunately no. No I don’t want you. And don’t call me baby.

Aquarius

Did you know Aquarius, that you often would be able to get comics cheaper through Amazon Kindle than through Comixology? The funny thing is, Amazon owns Comixology. Why the price discrepancy then? I don’t know either.

Pisces

Scientists in the Netherlands have recently been able to teleport information between two quantum bits, separated by three metres. It could just prove that information can be communicated faster than the speed of light, Mr Fish. Your love life will pick up in the final week of June. 

Aries

The stars have noted your scepticism and have decided not to talk to you anymore. 

Taurus

Your suspicions that Tom Cruise is undercover, slowly taking down Scientology from the inside, will prove correct this month. But does it really matter? No, nothing matters. And everything matters.