They innovate with tech, but the real geniuses at Apple are in the marketing department, writes Deep Fried Man.

Apple is deservedly known for a variety of technological innovations, but by far the most impressive concept it has ever come up with is the magical S. It is an S so powerful that you can place it next to the model of a phone, causing millions of people around the world to go out and buy said device regardless of whether or not it is a significant improvement on the last one, which is now completely obsolete on account of having no magical S.

Other strokes of genius on the part of Apple include successfully suing Samsung for copying them, even though they themselves developed the original Mac by copying Xerox. Also, inventing a portable music player with so much more sex appeal than any other portable music player that almost every single person in the world bought one, only to find it worthless a few years later when Apple went on to invent a phone that could do the exact same thing. Apple, above all else; have gotten people to worship their product in a similar manner to how graven idols were worshiped prior to the popularization of monotheism.

But now I just sound like the chairman of the Gauteng Apple Haters association. I’ve hated on Apple so much in the previous two paragraphs that those reading this will no doubt be surprised to learn that I am typing this on a MacBook Pro with an iPhone 5 lying next to it, buzzing occasionally because I’ve been too lazy to work out how to disable Twitter alerts. I am not an Apple hater. Just someone who thinks they should chill out a bit on the planned obsolescence.

While Steve Wozniack spent his time in basements, tinkering with circuit boards, drinking Mountain Dew and attempting to create actual technology, the real geniuses at Apple, like Steve Jobs, didn’t do much tinkering at all. Their true genius is realising that the right kind of marketing, the right logo, the right packaging and the right amount of sex appeal are worth a million actual technological innovations.

Consider the iPhone 5s’s marketing spiel: “iPhone 5s is purposefully imagined. Meticulously considered. Precision crafted. It’s not just a product of what’s technologically possible. But what’s technologically useful. It’s not just what’s next. But what should be next.”

Here is my more truthful version: “The iPhone 5s is a phone. Just like the iPhone 5 was. It has some new features, including a fancier camera, a 64-bit processor, and yes, a really cool fingerprint sensor, but other than that it really is not going to change your life because it’s JUST A PHONE.”

I’m pretty sure that while I was typing this Apple came up with a release date for the iPhone 6. So it may be worth restraining oneself from succumbing to the power of the magical S for a little while longer, and holding out for iPhone 6 instead. The only problem is that soon after, there will most probably, be an iPhone 6s, complete with three new features and marketing so brilliant that you will throw your iPhone 6 out of the window the second you hear about it.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to perform my new show, ‘Deep Fried Man S’. It’s extremely different from my last show, with up to one and a half new songs and, most importantly of all, a magical S. Many thanks to Apple Inc. and the ghost of Steve Jobs for coming up with the concept. Please don’t sue me.

Article first appeared in TechSmart 121, available online here.