Aries
Ever so often evolution comes up with a surprise, and if all goes well you should be receiving a superpower soon Aries! Which one you might ask? According to the planets it should either be a) always selecting the fastest queue at the tills, or b) your R5 coins always working when paying for parking. Super.

Taurus
Good news and bad news awaits Mr. Bull. Firstly the bad: Blackouts in April mean your regular pastimes (gaming, movies) will not be available. Now for the good: Congrats, you’ll be a father in February 2015!

Gemini
We know you’ve been trying your best to get more likes on your Facebook posts recently Gemini. Our advice? Quit Facebook altogether. You will soon rediscover the joys of life without waiting for a thumbs-up. Like!

Cancer
With your outgoing personality Mr. Crab, we need to advise you to take it easy during the Easter holidays, especially when it comes to your drinking habits. Remember: today Richard Gere, tomorrow Reverse Gear.

Leo
PC or Mac, Leo?  You have been struggling with this question since deciding to upgrade a while back. Soon you will find out that never mind which you buy, they each come with their own unique problems that would make you wish you bought the other one. Happy computing!

Virgo
Love and money come into focus this month. More specifically, your girlfriend is set to make off with your dosh. Bad luck, Virgo.

Libra
For the next six months Mars will be the fourth planet from the Sun, and that can only mean one thing Libra - news about Half Life 3! Keep an eye out since not only will there be an important reveal from Steam on the most anticipated game ever, but you will also be invited to the exclusive beta! Or not. Since who can count on Steam anyways?

Scorpio
You’ve been holding out for a while Scorpio, but during May a new car will soon be yours! Oh wait, the planets apologise - by ‘new’ they mean second-hand, and by ‘car’ they mean scooter. 

Sagittarius
We would definitely recommend you play the lottery this month, Sagi. It’s a superb way to learn that the odds are heavily stacked against you and you will never, ever win. 4-6-12-13-21-29!

Capricorn
No matter how many times you microwave that spider on low and then try and get it to bite you, you will not become the next Spiderman. Also, your little brother wants his mask back. 

Aquarius
We know you sometimes despair at the dire state of politics, Aquarian. It’s very clear that the political system is outdated and not a proper way to govern people in the 21st century. It’s up to you to find a new solution - our future depends on it.

Pisces
Scientists have recently been able to reverse the aging process in mice and are now set to start human trials. The question Mr Fish, is why worry when you can age gracefully like George Clooney or a good bottle of red? On second thought, with the amount of time you spent in the SA sun, you’ve aged like a bottle of milk. Good luck to those scientists hey?