As above, so below – how will your tech month go? TechSmart presents your horoscope for March 2014.

Pisces
March is looking amazing for you Pisces, since you are bound to join a ragtag bunch of alien outcasts set to save not just our planet, but the whole solar system! Sorry, that is the plot of Guardians of the Galaxy. You have nothing special lined up Pisces, and your birthday will be a disappointment.

Aries
No rest for the wicked they say Aries, and you have been a bad, bad boy. So expect a bout of insomnia during the second half of March.

Taurus
Have a careful look at your old comic book collection this month Mr. Bull. Some of those old classics might just be worth something! It has a tear in the cover you say? Worthless then – you should have been more careful as a child. 

Gemini
Don’t think your boss hasn’t notice your browsing habits at work, Gemini. Rather head over to Pnet and Bizcommunity, since a new job might just be forced upon you soon.

Cancer
The stars are aligning during March just for you Mr Crab! Jennifer Lawrence has noticed your crush and is heading to your doorstep for a date! No wait. That’s Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence as Big Momma.

Leo
Always wanted to be on TV? Well Leo, with your latest addiction to parkour you might soon be a YouTube celebrity! Watch FailArmy during the course of the month, and don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Virgo
Money matters takes centre stage this month Virgo, since with Mercury in retrograde, SARS has put you in its crosshair. Expect to be audited.

Libra
Just face it Libra, your time-travel machine still needs a bit of work. If it wasn’t for that well timed lightning strike you would have never made it back to the future. Now for the sake of mankind, please bring us a working hoverboard.      

Scorpio
This month Earth will be the third closest planet to the sun, and that can only mean one thing Scorpio – bacon! Rindless, Shoulder, Diced, Round Cut, Minced – the stars are saying indulge yourself. 

Sagittarius
Don’t feel so bad that your Super Rugby team is underperforming, Sagi. According to the stars they are at least doing better than they’re going to do in 2015.    

Capricorn
Best would be not to even try and venture out of the house this month Capricorn. March suffers from a glitch in the Matrix, which means only 25% of friends and family will remember you. On the plus side every Coke you drink will have your name on it.  

Aquarius
All conspiracies are true, and what you’ve been reading on Infowars.com is the truth and nothing but the truth. So how is that working out for you? Not good hey? Rather bookmark www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org this month.

First published in TechSmart 126, available to download here.