TechSmart’s resident astrologer, Merlin (Badmotorfinger) Mendacium, had a good look at the stars and formulated all possible outcomes for this month's horoscope.

Leo

Everything is in its right place for your birthday cycle Mr. Leo, and you will experience peace, love and unity. There will be tears of joy as you realise you’ve reached home and it’s the end of struggle.

Virgo

In the one ear and out the other. Why do you even bother with your horoscope Virgo, if all you do is forget it after five minutes?

Libra

The crazy Weird Al Yankovic called his latest album (that peaked at no. 1 in the States) Mandatory Fun. Not that the stars are giving order, but you are forced this month to make fun mandatory.

Scorpio

Did you know that between 1918-20, the Spanish Flu pandemic killed between 20-100 million people? That’s 2.5%-5% of the global population back then. But don’t let those figures raise your concern about the recent spate of Ebola deaths. They got it all under control…  

Sagittarius

In your star chart for August there are small little squares. As it becomes clearer these square each contains a letter. Oh, and it is strangely surrounded by crumbs, filth and yuck. Yes, it’s time to clean your keyboard.

Capricorn

Wolverine is set to join Superman and Archie in Death Valley, as the soon to be released four part Death of Wolverine comic sees Logan shuffle off this mortal coil. Use this August to ponder your own mortality Capricorn.

Aquarius

Led Zeppelin will soon be rereleasing the seminal Led Zeppelin IV and Houses of the Holy remastered. There might just be some old projects you may have written off that wasn’t too bad either. Take heart and build on it.

Pisces

Han Solo once claimed that the Millennium Falcon made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. This smuggling route is actually eighteen parsecs long (it’s a unit of distance, not time as many believe), and he did so by travelling closer to a black hole, cutting some of the distance. See, fortune favours the brave, so don’t err on the side of caution this month Mr. Fish.

Aries

Due to an unprotected strike taking place in the Alpha Centauri star system, there will be no horoscope for you this month.

Taurus

In the film Horns, Danielle Radcliffe’s character grows a pair of horns. I’m not saying you don’t have star potential, but that recent growth is not going to land you a movie deal and you better get it checked out.

Gemini

This month, prepare for calamity as your browsing history is set to inexplicably become available for all to see. Luckily you’ll soon find out that millions of other Gemini’s have similar dirty browsing habits.

Cancer

It was recently reported that the deputy prime minister of Turkey, Bülent Arinc, said that women should not laugh loudly in public. Mr. Crab, it is your task this month to uncover this horrible disease that makes this poor man say such deluded things. Get on it now!